The Side of Me I Hope You'll Never See

It is hard to tell people a meaningful event from my adulthood without forming a small lie because I hardly do anything exciting. Honestly, I am content with just reading a book, catching up with an old friend, driving to a music store and looking at old records or just escaping the town. But, this is not what this post is about. It took so much courage to write this, since I have only told a handful of people, but here I am, ready to tell my story. 

My Sophomore year (which was late 2010-early 2011 I believe), I wanted to kill myself.

And as a mere glance at that, you will probably assume, ''Oh, that is just for attention!'' (since a lot of people do this as an attention-seeking thing when things go negatively. At least, from my experience). This was not for attention, this was deep down pain and I just could not take it anymore. I cannot specifically say as to why it got this far. I just felt so dead every day when I woke up and emotionally/physically drained and did not want to do anything except sleep (even though that sounds more like depression than anything). I did not tell anyone how I felt on the inside because I knew no one would understand. I knew people would just tell me to brush it off and that I was too young to feel the way I felt. But, sure enough, I felt so much pain inside of me, and I did not know what to do about it. I tried doing things that made me happy, but it never worked. Every night, I put in my headphones, loud enough for me to drown everything out, but low enough for me to hear myself, and I just let everything out. This happened on a consecutive basis, and I cannot even recall how many times I did this. I just needed some kind of escape from everything, and it helped. Sort of.

I still felt bad. ''Bad'' is an understatement, actually. Feeling this way went on for a while, but I never attempted. To be honest, I was too afraid. Funny how I wanted to die so bad but I could not even end it because I was too afraid (I mean, obviously, I an still here, right?). I eventually got over feeling so bad about myself and I slowly emerged from feeling so crappy about myself that I finally became happy. I was happy with who I am, what I was doing in life, and I was happy with everything that was falling into place. I was just so afraid of falling back into the hole I climbed out of to be brought back in and not be able to escape from it a second time. 

To this day, I no longer think about wanting to end my life. As a matter of fact, it scares me that I that I even thought about doing it. I'm really happy with the person I have become and I have a lot in store for the future and I couldn't be happier to achieve the dreams I have set. I have a great support system and the people I do know tell me every day how lucky they are to have me here. I know this has nothing to do with this post, but please.  If any of my classmates read this and know people that feel so empty and have thoughts like this, then please either help them the best of your ability, or get someone in that was once in their position to get them out of it. Suicide is never the answer, and it is nothing you, or anyone else, should ever think of.