The Side of Me I Hope You'll Never See

It is hard to tell people a meaningful event from my adulthood without forming a small lie because I hardly do anything exciting. Honestly, I am content with just reading a book, catching up with an old friend, driving to a music store and looking at old records or just escaping the town. But, this is not what this post is about. It took so much courage to write this, since I have only told a handful of people, but here I am, ready to tell my story. 

My Sophomore year (which was late 2010-early 2011 I believe), I wanted to kill myself.

And as a mere glance at that, you will probably assume, ''Oh, that is just for attention!'' (since a lot of people do this as an attention-seeking thing when things go negatively. At least, from my experience). This was not for attention, this was deep down pain and I just could not take it anymore. I cannot specifically say as to why it got this far. I just felt so dead every day when I woke up and emotionally/physically drained and did not want to do anything except sleep (even though that sounds more like depression than anything). I did not tell anyone how I felt on the inside because I knew no one would understand. I knew people would just tell me to brush it off and that I was too young to feel the way I felt. But, sure enough, I felt so much pain inside of me, and I did not know what to do about it. I tried doing things that made me happy, but it never worked. Every night, I put in my headphones, loud enough for me to drown everything out, but low enough for me to hear myself, and I just let everything out. This happened on a consecutive basis, and I cannot even recall how many times I did this. I just needed some kind of escape from everything, and it helped. Sort of.

I still felt bad. ''Bad'' is an understatement, actually. Feeling this way went on for a while, but I never attempted. To be honest, I was too afraid. Funny how I wanted to die so bad but I could not even end it because I was too afraid (I mean, obviously, I an still here, right?). I eventually got over feeling so bad about myself and I slowly emerged from feeling so crappy about myself that I finally became happy. I was happy with who I am, what I was doing in life, and I was happy with everything that was falling into place. I was just so afraid of falling back into the hole I climbed out of to be brought back in and not be able to escape from it a second time. 

To this day, I no longer think about wanting to end my life. As a matter of fact, it scares me that I that I even thought about doing it. I'm really happy with the person I have become and I have a lot in store for the future and I couldn't be happier to achieve the dreams I have set. I have a great support system and the people I do know tell me every day how lucky they are to have me here. I know this has nothing to do with this post, but please.  If any of my classmates read this and know people that feel so empty and have thoughts like this, then please either help them the best of your ability, or get someone in that was once in their position to get them out of it. Suicide is never the answer, and it is nothing you, or anyone else, should ever think of. 

Aesthetic Beauty

The purpose of the paper that I am writing is to express the aesthetic beauty of the sky that most people do not appreciate. Most people go on their days without looking or acknowledging the night sky, therefore they do not appreciate sky, nor do they value what is above them giving them precious beauty only found at night. My paper will also be focused around how much light pollution there is in the United States, or even the world for that matter, and how it has drastically changed and how people cannot appreciate the night sky to its full extent.

The points/claims I will (or possibly am going to claim) will be based around that people are not aware of such beauty that they can find the night sky. People are so close-minded to things that they do not realize what they can find up at the sky (depending on where they live). This is not going to be in my paper due to the fact that I cannot force people to travel and appreciate the value of the night sky where it is completely dark, but people should take the time to travel outside of their comfort zone to a place that there is no light present except the night sky, and more than likely, they will be in awe of what they see. I will also be making points/claims based around how there is so much light pollution. Yes, it can be a good resource to have in a dark area, and the light is known to protect us from dangers, but with so much light, no one can see the night sky, and really take notice of what it can hold.

You can find such emotion through looking at the night sky that it just relaxes you and it makes you feel safe. The sky is such a vast, open area that can show so many different wonders. People think that they are the center of the earth and there is nothing beyond the earth, but there really is. There's so much in store for people to look at and think about when they see the beauty in the night sky. It bothers me to such a horrid extent how people think that there is only the earth that is around them. The night sky means nothing to some people. ''Oh, it's just the night sky. No big deal.'' To some, it is, especially if they need an escape. 

At this point for my paper, the sources and articles I have found have been based around the topic that is mostly about light pollution, how it is affecting the night sky, and how people favor the night sky. Light pollution is a big deal when it comes to people actually wanting to view the night sky and find beauty in it (like myself, but due to the area and having travel some distance, it is a nuisance, but definitely worth it), but most people do not have the time to go out and spend a few nights underneath the stars and take a break from reality.